Something
has been troubling me of late. Normally I don't give it too much
thought as normally I am quite content with being this way. I have
many friends, but no real deep connection with any of them. I have
learned the hard way that knowledge is power; the more people know
about you the more they can use it against you. I desire deep and
meaningful relationships where I can give myself fully to people and
be an open book, but the ugly scars on my badly damaged heart keep me
in check.
I am
becoming quite envious - an emotion I am not all that familiar with.
Normally I am too busy inside my own head to feel envious of anyone
else because I don't even notice them. Furthermore, I have always
seen envy as a very pointless emotion. It my seem on the surface that
somebody has things you want but that's all it is...the surface. You
can not truly know how that person feels inside, what the feel they
are lacking in, what they are actually envious of - they could even
be envious of you. But is see friends together, talking of how they
have known each other years and of all the experiences they have
shared and I can't help but feel I am missing out. The solution seems
so simple - just go out and meet people, make an effort to socialise
and be more open. But I am shy. This is not an excuse, I am actually
cripplingly shy. I am so bashful that I get bashful about being
bashful. I know I definitely blush far more than the average person.
I am socially awkward and unable to do "small talk." My
heart just isn't in it, I like to get to the deeper stuff and have a
real conversation but that seems to intimidate people or make them
uncomfortable. Everyone else seems way more comfortable with
superficial social interaction than I do. So the point is, even if I
wasn't plagued by crippling shyness I would not be able to have deep
relationships anyway. It makes me feel empty.
I can identify with some of the same issues. I really hate to participate in small talk and i don't laugh at the simple assinine jokes that cause others to laugh and if i try to do either i always end up feeling like a fake, pretending to laugh, pretending to be interested in the weather etc. I always think why can't i just be me cuz if i'm not me who will be? But the people who laugh so easily and make small talk seem to be rather well adjusted and i'm not. It's like losing every battle but at least i am true to myself. Smiling at a stranger is a big thing and maybe it made their day. I usually wait for people to smile or say hi first. Unfortunately i must be so unmemorable that people who i know, neighbours etc, will walk right on by and then i'm the one who's left feeling bad.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was alone in this. Thanks for posting :)
ReplyDeleteThe connections I made with people over the years, weren't that deep I guess. I thought they were. but when they easily just forgot my friendship. I realized I was just there. lorraina. I agree with you. I was guilty of thinking I could be friends with these small talk people. wrong again. they proved they are more adjusted to lifes ways than I am. I would rather just be alone than keeping making "false connections" and find out they could not care less about me. I always had a loner personality and in a way it saves me. because I can be alone and enjoy my time alone. it's Okay I guess. since people I have known 10, 20 and 30 years easily move on! I won't try anymore though. I give up on people or maybe myself?
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