Something has been troubling me of late. Normally I don't give it too much thought as normally I am quite content with being this way. I have many friends, but no real deep connection with any of them. I have learned the hard way that knowledge is power; the more people know about you the more they can use it against you. I desire deep and meaningful relationships where I can give myself fully to people and be an open book, but the ugly scars on my badly damaged heart keep me in check.
I am becoming quite envious - an emotion I am not all that familiar with. Normally I am too busy inside my own head to feel envious of anyone else because I don't even notice them. Furthermore, I have always seen envy as a very pointless emotion. It my seem on the surface that somebody has things you want but that's all it is...the surface. You can not truly know how that person feels inside, what the feel they are lacking in, what they are actually envious of - they could even be envious of you. But is see friends together, talking of how they have known each other years and of all the experiences they have shared and I can't help but feel I am missing out. The solution seems so simple - just go out and meet people, make an effort to socialise and be more open. But I am shy. This is not an excuse, I am actually cripplingly shy. I am so bashful that I get bashful about being bashful. I know I definitely blush far more than the average person. I am socially awkward and unable to do "small talk." My heart just isn't in it, I like to get to the deeper stuff and have a real conversation but that seems to intimidate people or make them uncomfortable. Everyone else seems way more comfortable with superficial social interaction than I do. So the point is, even if I wasn't plagued by crippling shyness I would not be able to have deep relationships anyway. It makes me feel empty.