Tuesday, 1 May 2012


The first injustice occurred when they took away my confidence.
The second injustice occurred when I let that lack of confidence hold me back.
There shall be no more second injustices :)

Monday, 2 April 2012


The day depression came to stay he took my ability to cope away. It takes little to make me fall these days...just a tactless comments is all it takes these days. Surely people are speaking about how strange I am, surely I am the only thing I they have to talk about, surely my struggle is just that noticeable..yes they are talking about me without a doubt...me....me...
I have forgotten how to be me. Who am I?

Written for the One Minute Writer challenge: unbalanced. 


Saturday, 31 March 2012

Mission To Cure My Shyness: Part Two

I smiled at a stranger today.
Yup, it is newsworthy.

Screen Siren #3 Doris Day

Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff
Born April 3rd 1924

I initially came across Doris Day when I saw Calamity Jane with my mother as a child. I was very young, no more than six years old, and had no appreciation for old films so I never paid much attention. But when I was much older I watched It's A Wonderful Life and fell in love with James Stewart and old films. The first film I properly watched starring Doris Day was Teacher's Pet. Her likable nature shone through and I instantly felt a lot of affection for her.

Doris was named after her mother's favourite silent film actress, Doris Kenyon. Her father was reportedly unfaithful to her mother and they divorced. Doris was initially interested in becoming a dancer but car accident damaged her legs to the point where she had no hope of ever becoming a professional dancer. While recovering from the accident Doris discovered that she had a talent for singing. Her mother arranged for her to have singing lessons and during this time Doris got her first professional job as a vocalist. This is when she was discovered by Barney Rapp and whilst she was working with him they changed her last name to Day as Kappelhoff was "too long for marquees." The origin on this name came from the first song she performed for him: "Day After Day."

Doris became a successful singer, singing with the likes of Bob Crosby and Les Brown. Her popularity lead to a career in films, which also provided her with more hit songs. Her talent for both singing and acting could not be ignored and in 1950 U.S. servicemen in Korea voted her their favorite star.

Doris married four times. Her first marriage was to Al Jorden with whom she had her son, Terry. Al was reportedly physically abusive towards her and committed suicide in 1967. She married George Weidler in 1946 but they divored three years later.Her marriage to her third husband, Marty Melcher, left her in debt after his death. He and his business partner had been squandering her earnings and in 1974 courts awarded her $22,835,646 for fraud and malpractice. She married for the fourth time to Barry Comden. When they divorced her claimed that she cared more for her "animal friends" than she did for him. Doris loved animals very much and was an animal activist.  She was the co-founder of Actors and Others for Animals where she campaigned for the rights of animals. 

Doris now lives in California. It cannot be denied that she was a beautiful and talented actress and singer with a heart of gold. They most certainly don't make them like that anymore.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Sociable Loner

Something has been troubling me of late. Normally I don't give it too much thought as normally I am quite content with being this way. I have many friends, but no real deep connection with any of them. I have learned the hard way that knowledge is power; the more people know about you the more they can use it against you. I desire deep and meaningful relationships where I can give myself fully to people and be an open book, but the ugly scars on my badly damaged heart keep me in check. 

I am becoming quite envious - an emotion I am not all that familiar with. Normally I am too busy inside my own head to feel envious of anyone else because I don't even notice them. Furthermore, I have always seen envy as a very pointless emotion. It my seem on the surface that somebody has things you want but that's all it is...the surface. You can not truly know how that person feels inside, what the feel they are lacking in, what they are actually envious of - they could even be envious of you. But is see friends together, talking of how they have known each other years and of all the experiences they have shared and I can't help but feel I am missing out. The solution seems so simple - just go out and meet people, make an effort to socialise and be more open. But I am shy. This is not an excuse, I am actually cripplingly shy. I am so bashful that I get bashful about being bashful. I know I definitely blush far more than the average person. I am socially awkward and unable to do "small talk." My heart just isn't in it, I like to get to the deeper stuff and have a real conversation but that seems to intimidate people or make them uncomfortable. Everyone else seems way more comfortable with superficial social interaction than I do. So the point is, even if I wasn't plagued by crippling shyness I would not be able to have deep relationships anyway. It makes me feel empty.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Susan "Genie" Wiley - Not a Wild Child, Just a Child That Should Have Been Loved

It bothers me that they refer to her as a "wild child" - as if she is some sort of animal. The only animal was her father who abused her. He decided that she was "retarded" and kept her in solitary confinement.  For the first12 years of her life he locked in her bedroom where she was tied to a child's toilet in diapers. Her mother, who was blind, was also a victim of her controlling and tyrannical husband and along with her son they were forbidden from seeing her. Genie's father beat her if she attempted to talk and would bark and growl at her to keep her quiet. When Genie was 13 her mother left her father and took her with her. After it was found out what had happened to Genie her father shot and killed himself. 

Genie was almost completely mute but often spat, sniffed and clawed. Psychologists and doctors seemed to have the intention of making her better but it seems to me that they just wanted to use Genie to make them famous. Jean Butler who was her teacher at the children's hospital did not hide the fact that she hoped Genie would help make her famous, saying that she was going to be the next Anne Sullivan (the teacher of Helen Keller). Most claimed they had a genuine affection and desire to "rescue" Genie but I feel that they treated her like a lab rat, not a child. Labelling her with the term "wild child" doesn't suggest to me that anybody has any genuine affection for the girl.

I wish that I could go back in time and take care of her. I don't think the damage could ever have been repaired, I don't think she would have ever been able to lead a "normal" life. But I would have liked her to have lead a happy one, one where she knew she was loved and that nobody would hurt her ever again. I am unsure where Genie is right now (I'm guessing she's in her fifties now) and I know she will never see this but Genie I do hope you feel loved wherever you are. You have touched the hearts of so many people and although you did not receive the love you deserved I can promise you that people all over the world love you more than you will ever know. God bless you, sweetheart.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Mission To Cure My Shyness: Part One

I'm going to talk on the phone some time this week. Yes really. They will probably think it's a prank call or call emergency services because they think someone is having an asthma attack but I'm gonna do it anyway...I think. I'm looking to do some volunteer work where I will be forced to initiate conversation *bites nails*. Strangely, I'm more anxious about enquiring about it on the phone. 

Wish me luck.