Something
has been troubling me of late. Normally I don't give it too much
thought as normally I am quite content with being this way. I have
many friends, but no real deep connection with any of them. I have
learned the hard way that knowledge is power; the more people know
about you the more they can use it against you. I desire deep and
meaningful relationships where I can give myself fully to people and
be an open book, but the ugly scars on my badly damaged heart keep me
in check.
I am
becoming quite envious - an emotion I am not all that familiar with.
Normally I am too busy inside my own head to feel envious of anyone
else because I don't even notice them. Furthermore, I have always
seen envy as a very pointless emotion. It my seem on the surface that
somebody has things you want but that's all it is...the surface. You
can not truly know how that person feels inside, what the feel they
are lacking in, what they are actually envious of - they could even
be envious of you. But is see friends together, talking of how they
have known each other years and of all the experiences they have
shared and I can't help but feel I am missing out. The solution seems
so simple - just go out and meet people, make an effort to socialise
and be more open. But I am shy. This is not an excuse, I am actually
cripplingly shy. I am so bashful that I get bashful about being
bashful. I know I definitely blush far more than the average person.
I am socially awkward and unable to do "small talk." My
heart just isn't in it, I like to get to the deeper stuff and have a
real conversation but that seems to intimidate people or make them
uncomfortable. Everyone else seems way more comfortable with
superficial social interaction than I do. So the point is, even if I
wasn't plagued by crippling shyness I would not be able to have deep
relationships anyway. It makes me feel empty.
